The only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have...

How is it that we can know exactly who we are, but not know where we belong? It seems that everybody has a place in a world, but I feel stuck in the same place nomatter where I am. How is it that we can be in a room full of people, but feel like we've never been so alone? Sometimes I can be in a room full of happy, smiling, laughing faces and I just wonder how they got to that place. I want to be there. I want to be part of the crowd. I have so much to offer and so much to give...but nobody wants it. Atleast not for forever. Everybody has someone, but I'm just one. Amor e morte.

What's the sense in anything, it's just one more goodbye...

I've never been good at goodbyes. But for some reason I'm always the subject of them. I've never been good at falling in love. But for some reason my heart overbears by head. And I've never been good at hiding my tears...but I seem to master being hurt. Heart break feels so much worse than it sounds. I don't know if it can be repaired this time. As the tears stream down my face...all I can think about is what I'll never have. I don't want to die alone; but that is my number one fear.

Mein hertz brennt...

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little lxuries; avoid all entangelements; lock it up safe in the casketor coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable (CS Lewis). - Amor e morte

So here we are again, the same fork in the road...

Why is there no such thing as a happy ending? What is the point of travelling a road, only to reach despair when you get to the end? I've travelled along so many paths, but none of them seem right. I try a new fork in the road only to end up at the same place where I started; or the same place that I was previously stuck at. What is left to do when you keep reaching dead ends or going around in circles? I feel so lost. I don't know where I am or where I am going. I know where I want to go, but can't get there because there are some external factors that I cannot control. The hardest part of the realisation of how much this hurts...and the thought that maybe I will never have a happy ending.