You won't remove me, not anymore...

Sometimes we want something so bad that it consumes us. It's not a healthy consumption though...it eats away at our heart, mind, spirit and soul. It eats and eats until there is not even the smallest shred of a bread crumb left. Yet, we still keep on giving....even if it's only the dregs. We keep on yearning...even though we will never truly have what we desire. But this desire is so strong that it just forces us to give more and more of ourselves...eventually we fade away into nothingness. Not even a ghost would recognise me. So here I stand, invisible. But I'm here. I'm here. -amor e morte

In the rays of the sun I am longing for the darkness...

Where do I go When my only future is below? There's no one left to turn to; This is the final blow. Sitting on the edge; The darkness brings relief. If I take this plunge tonight; Will your heart be filled with grief? As the wind blows in my face, I spread my arms out wide; If I was to step off this ledge; Then maybe I would glide... I leer into the darkness, And take my final breath; It's now or never unto the fall; But what will I find in death? My legs begin to shake; I bow my head in shame; Why can't I take the plunge? Maybe I would rather live in pain... -amor e morte

What I would give for memories that wouldn't keep me up at night...

It's been 20 months of heartache... Coupled with 20 months of joy. Many months of love and pain; Though all I would re-employ. 9 months since perfection; And many days of ups and downs. But I knew there'd never be another; You are the only one I've found. 270 nights of loneliness... Because you weren't by my side. So many days of restlessness; While I was waiting for you to write. It's been 9 months since I saw you; I miss your beautiful face. I miss your laughter and your smile; But I'm happy you are safe. 2 months in the future; I hope to have you by my side. So many sleeps to wait... Please don't make me cry. I don't like time; It comes and goes. I want you to stay; But this, you've always known. Like seconds of the clock; Life passes us by, But it might be years; Until you want me along for the ride. - amor e morte

Look inside, there never was a start...

The pain that I feel inside is overwhelming. I don't think I can deal with this ever again. So now I recoil back into my shell. I'm in hiding. It's a struggle to not let these tears stream from my eyes. But I'm trying. I just want to forget. But my mind won't let me...so much so that my subconscious even tortures me in my sleep. I don't want to dream about him...I don't even want to think about him while I'm awake. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm so exhausted. I wish this was easy. I wish this didn't have to happen to me time and time again. I wish I'd never met you. - amor e morte

Please god let me die tonight...

Something within me doesn't want to live...but I'm too afraid to die. I lay here dreaming of the solace that I would find in death. I would find peace because I wouldn't need to live in this mind anymore. If I rot in the ground with no afterlife, that would be perfection. I don't want to live in another life, why would I when I don't even want to live in this one? I want to hurt myself. To make the pain go away. I want to escape...run far away to a place where I am not myself; where nobody knows me; and where I'm not all alone. I want to die. Because I am already dead inside. I try so hard to stay afloat...I'm a good person. I'm such a nice, caring, kind, trustworthy and genuine person. I'm always there for people, but I keep giving and giving only to receive nothing back. And I can't take it anymore. Each breath becomes harder and harder to take...my chest is literally tight as I let my pain consume me. No one appreciates me...at least not in the way that I would like them to. My love is taken and I am stepped on again and again. What is the point in living a life without love? I know I'm quite good looking, sweet, caring, considerate, kind...I'd give an arm and a leg to the one that I love. But it's not returned. Instead I'm trampled on some more and left in the gutter to rot away. Discarded like a worthless piece of trash. I can't take it anymore. It's just too much. Living is such a burden. Please just let me die tonight. -Amore e morte.

And isolation is all that will remain...

I wish I could stop caring. I wish I didn't care about so many things. I wish I would never care about anything ever again. Why do I allow myself to get to this place time and time again? Why do I go allow myself to be lured in by the games and lies? I don't know if I can get past it this time...I can't see myself being repaired. I can't see there ever being a sun. I opened up my heart, and held my arms open wide. Just for you. You wormed your way in, despite knowing how afraid I was to let someone in again; to love again...and once you made your nest in there, you unleashed your parasites to feed on every last bit of blood that my heart was pumping. You deprived me of oxygen so that my heart slowly died. Even though it was still trying to beat for you..you pulled on my heart strings more. Until there was nothing left. And then you ripped it out of my chest and trampled on it with glee. The sad thing is that you don't realise any of this. You can't see any of your flaws...you won't admit to doing any wrong. Yet, I was supposed to change... You don't deserve me. You don't deserve anyone. So why am I so sad? I don't know. I don't know who you are anymore. Or maybe I never really knew you in the first place. - amor e morte.

The sky is closed today, so here I sit, waiting... For a word that is hidden in clouds; to take me back from here...

The feelings of helplessness and inadequacy that are associated with heartbreak are almost unbearable. I can't stop thinking of him...of the memories that we shared and of our time together. I miss the simple things...I miss waking up next to him. I wish that he felt the same. I wish that he cherished our time together and that he had good memories to take away...instead he only sees the negative. He doesn't even see the wonderful person that I am inside anymore. And that makes me so sad. Perhaps the worst part is that he just doesn't care about me anymore. Was it all a lie? I will never know. Even though I know it is for the best, I can't help but wish that I could have another chance...and that he still wanted me. Amor e morte.