She knows he's gone...

But that's okay. It's finally okay. I can finally move on. Because I deserve more. -Amor e morte

And no one would ask me to stay...

I can't believe how incredibly stupid I have been. I don't even know what to say or think anymore. But now I know the truth...I cannot go back. -Amor e morte

What am I to do with all this silence...

It's been a week since I have heard from him. I'm so anxious. I can't stop thinking about how I wonder what he is doing...who he is with...who he is doing... I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to fastforward to a happier place. I don't want to rewind...there is only pain there. And then I have to relive right now because it will be the future. I want him back with me...I want to go and be with him. I don't know if he wants that too. My memories seem like a distant dream...and the reality of the present feels like a nightmare. He is the only one that makes me feel alive. I've never had such an amazing connection with anyone...and I'm sure he feels it too. Or else he wouldn't still be saying the things he said after not seeing me for 5 months....5 months down...6 to go. I don't know how I will survive...it's taking it's toll on me. And the worst part is that there's nothing I can do....and that there is just so much uncertainty... -Amor e morte.

Is this life?

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would be like to be someone else..to wake up in someone elses skin...and mind. Sometimes I get so sick of living with these thoughts...of being myself, of pretending to be someone I'm not...that it just seems too hard. So I continue wearing this mask, but who am I really? Will I ever be the person that I want to be? How can I be that person when I don't even know where I belong? I often sit and watch people. I mean, really watch them...analyse them even. I wonder what it's like to be them. I envy them. I wonder how people can smile and laugh genuinely. It seems to come so easy for them...And I don't know what that feels like. I wonder what it would be like to be someone who takes happiness for granted. I wonder what it would be like to be happy... And I wonder if the only reason some of us were put on this earth is to suffer? I wonder why this is called life, when this isn't really living... I am dead inside. But everyone else thinks I'm alive. -Amor e morte

Haunting loneliness in the eye... Skin covering a secret scar. His hand is waving a goodbye... There's no response or action returned.

Sitting in the dark, There's no light from within. As I stare up at the ceiling; My future seems so dim. I'm torn between two, But which one is right; Do I move forward or back? This is my anguishing plight. As the sands of time run out, I know I'll die alone; My heart no longer beats, And I've nothing left but bones. Where is my soul? I've nothing left in my core. I'll die a lonely death; And cry myself to sleep once more. I can't find myself; Where am I supposed to be? What is this darkness... And why does it live inside of me? -Amor e morte

She isn't real... I can't make her real...

As I look into your eyes; Do you see the pain in mine? I extend my heart and hand, But cannot cross that line. As you see me accross the table; Can you see this fake rusted smile? Can you feel my heart break? Reality loves denial. As I watch you with regret, My heart sinks unto the floor. The tears well up, but hold them back; I'll never have you like before. Please look into my soul, It's pure but oh so dead. It lingers in the past, Regretting those things I said. I'm pathetic with hope, And hate myself all the same. Why do I always lose? Now I forfeit from the game... -amor e morte

But if you want me, got to let me know... Cos it's so hard to let you go...

There's someone out there... He is miles and miles away...it almost seems like we were together a lifetime ago. Although things never technically ended between us...this feels like I have been put on 'hold' in a phonecall that I never wanted to make. And eventually, I know the line will go dead. And maybe I will never be able to reach him again, maybe he will never want to be reached again... But right now, the only thing that is keeping me going is the hope that we shall be together once more. I know we both want that...we talk about it. But he can't commit to this....not when there is so much uncertainty...not when he is on the other side of the world. Having the time of his life...without me. But I love him. I don't think I've ever felt this way before. And because I love him, I am happy for him that he is having a great time. If he met someone else, it would kill me. But I would deal with it...because that's what love is. I don't know if he feels the same...I don't think that he does. But I can hope. And I would wait for him for as long as it took...as long as he wanted me to. At least I know that he cares for me, and that's enough for me right now. The thought of never being together again...well, I can't even bear that. So for now I will just live in my bubble of hope...I will live in my fantasy world where we are a year from now and in a blissful love. Where nothing else matters except us. If only... - Amor e morte

When will this end...?

I should be happy. But how do I make this so when all I feel is dead inside? I can't feel. I try to feel what I know I should be feeling...but it's not the same. I try so hard to stay afloat...and nobody knows. Nobody knows how much strength it takes to get by each day. I don't look to the future anymore...I just look to tomorrow; live day-by-day. It's easier that way. That is the only way I have learnt to survive. I don't know if I will ever come to life again...and that scares the hell out of me. -Amor e morte

I just wanna be loved...

Here I lay lifeless, No chance left for heart; For my eyes do not cry tears, But weep severed shards of glass. And as they hit the floor, I melt and bleed inside; What wicked sense of humour, Could enjoy this sickening ride? Here I stand alone, My hand is dead from lonesome rust; I bow my head from jolts shame, Why live when you cannot trust? And as I raise my head, There's a glimmer of hope upon the mound; But I see you clutch your dagger in hand, And for my back it was always bound. So here I cry in silence, I feel such numbness beyond belief; Never again will I let hope rise, I am happy to sink beneath. Still one question lingers, But I do not what to know; Do I not nurture you from the roots? Or am I an unworthy seed to sow...? - Amor e morte

The Target

Face down in the water, I don't want to take this breath; But I float up to the surface, I can't die a lonely death. As I swim over to the shore, My heart sinks into the sand; If I to drown right here and now, There would be no one to hold my hand. I drift into the distance, And pray to be consumed; But the waves caress my lifeless body, But please just let death bloom... Nobody wants my heart, My soul mourns for its other piece; I'm aching for that other half, Or atleast some inner peace. Destined to die alone, I'll wash away with the tide; Tears run down my pale, stained face, In death I won't have to hide.

This time there is nothing left for you to take, this is goodbye...

Why do I hold onto the things that are destroying me? Why do I continually go out of my way to give myself to those who never want it? I am used and thrown away...treated like a piece of trash and discarded the same. Then what does that say about me? I don't know anymore. I'm sick of this life. I'm sick of giving and giving and having nothing left to give...nothing left for myself to hold onto. Sometimes I get so exhausted from surviving on hope. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier just to give in. Sometimes...I just want to die. And all the time I wish that I couldn't feel. How is it that I keep getting hurt even though my heart died a long time ago... as did a real reason to smile. Born alone... live alone... die alone. - Amor e morte.

Everybody leaves me, everybody's gone...

I sit here alone, Welling in my tears, My eyes are drained; And I'm worn beyond my years. I've given so much, There's nothing left to take; Steal all of my joys, And leave my heart to ache. I am here again, Like so many times before, I can't find my smile; It's sunk beneath the floor. Where is the sun, Where is my light; What is living? Because this can't be life. EMC 2010 (amor e morte)

Angels stabbing me inside...

Every time I open up my heart it is trampled on. It appears that people sit and wait for me to open up and give them a little bit of my heart of soul...and then they tear each of them out and devour them whole. Once this is done, my heart and soul are spat back out and forced back down my throat. So they are there for someone else to have a turn at this 'game'. I would rather not have them at all. Amor e morte.

On days like this we find it so hard to push ourselves up and out of bed...

I just don't think that things are meant to work out for me. I am meant to live and die alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I can ever be cured. I don't think I can ever be loved. Why do I keep on taking chances when I know what the outcomes will be? I always end up alone. Amor e morte.

And as I read "I'll die alone"; I know she's aching...

I miss him so much it's unbearable. I want to go over there and be with him. I wish he wanted that too. What if I never see him again? Will this get any easier. It hurts. I love him but cannot be with him. I don't know what to do anymore. But I know that I can't move on...not while I know we may still end up together. Amor e morte

And I miss you, love...

Missing someone is not about how long it's been since you've seen them last or the amount of time since you last talked.... It's about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish that they were right there with you.... I miss him so much. But I know we will be together again soon. - Amor e morte.

And I should contemplate this change, to ease the pain...

Sometimes we can hurt so much that it seems like we are not living in this world. I can walk around and be so consumed in my pain that it feels like I'm not even living. That everything around me is some far away place that I couldn't escape to even if I tried. And it gets to the point where everything just feels so hard....that it seems like it would be much easier to drift away in this painful state. To let it entirely encapsulate and devour me. Until there is nothing left. And in this state I would be free because in this world of pain I would not hurt anymore. Life would end. And the pain would end with it. I'm so tired of fighting...what's so wrong with giving in... What's the point in living when I am dead inside. - amor e morte

all the same...

You dont sit and hold me. You dont really know me. - amor e morte

I swim, but I wish I'd never learned...

...the water's too polluted with germs. I'm moving on. - Amor e morte

It scares the hell outta me...and the end is all I can see...

How are we supposed to move forward when the past stops us from living in the present? How am I supposed to move on when all do is hope that one day things will work out? And why do I keep holding on when he has let go so many times? This is Life. This is Struggle. This is Love. This is War. - Amor e morte.

My soul will have to wait...

I know I shouldn't wait for him. I've already waited for too long. He won't come back to me...but I can't help but pathetically hope. I have no desire to be with anyone else. I think I have found the one that I am meant to be with, so why does it have to be so hard? But there will come the time when I get tired of waiting, when I hurt just too much to have hope anymore...but will he care? Will he still be around? Will he suddenly wake up one day and realise he has made a mistake? I think that one day (in the very distant future) he will realise that. But by then it will be too late. It will be his turn to chase me.

Some things are better off forgotten...

I'm so tired of this. When will this end...

I'm falling in my dream, I finally hit the ground...

Life becomes hard when your existence starts to revolve around the desire for one particular thing. It becomes especially hard when that thing is always staring you in the face; mocking you about the fact that you cannot have it. The dreams I once had are no more than a memory and fantasy of a far away place that I will never have the pleasure of visiting... - Amor e morte.

We'll love again, we'll laugh again... And it's better off this way.

Sometimes we just have to forget.

Coil...

She told me why... she told me lies. Always take care of this. I told her how I've always stayed... Always waiting for nothing. When I get out of here, When I leave you behind, I'll find that the years passed us by... And I can see you; Running through the fields of sorrow. Yes I can, see you...Running through the fields of sorrow. When you get out of here, When you leave me behind, You'll find that the years passed us by... And I can see you; Running through the fields of sorrow. Yes I can, see you... Running through the fields of sorrow... - Amor e morte.

It's the hardest thing for me to shake...

Sometimes you just have to let go. Even if you have nothing else to hold on to. The feeling of freefalling is not a pleasant one at first. But once you adapt, you can learn to live without having something to hold on to. Without being attached to anyone. Once the need to be attached is no longer present, perhaps our lives can become more free. Or maybe we will keep living in denial, but at least the risk of getting hurt again will be slim. My heart is to remain closed until I know for sure that it's worth it. Amor e morte.

The only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have...

How is it that we can know exactly who we are, but not know where we belong? It seems that everybody has a place in a world, but I feel stuck in the same place nomatter where I am. How is it that we can be in a room full of people, but feel like we've never been so alone? Sometimes I can be in a room full of happy, smiling, laughing faces and I just wonder how they got to that place. I want to be there. I want to be part of the crowd. I have so much to offer and so much to give...but nobody wants it. Atleast not for forever. Everybody has someone, but I'm just one. Amor e morte.

What's the sense in anything, it's just one more goodbye...

I've never been good at goodbyes. But for some reason I'm always the subject of them. I've never been good at falling in love. But for some reason my heart overbears by head. And I've never been good at hiding my tears...but I seem to master being hurt. Heart break feels so much worse than it sounds. I don't know if it can be repaired this time. As the tears stream down my face...all I can think about is what I'll never have. I don't want to die alone; but that is my number one fear.

Mein hertz brennt...

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little lxuries; avoid all entangelements; lock it up safe in the casketor coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable (CS Lewis). - Amor e morte

So here we are again, the same fork in the road...

Why is there no such thing as a happy ending? What is the point of travelling a road, only to reach despair when you get to the end? I've travelled along so many paths, but none of them seem right. I try a new fork in the road only to end up at the same place where I started; or the same place that I was previously stuck at. What is left to do when you keep reaching dead ends or going around in circles? I feel so lost. I don't know where I am or where I am going. I know where I want to go, but can't get there because there are some external factors that I cannot control. The hardest part of the realisation of how much this hurts...and the thought that maybe I will never have a happy ending.

I want something good to die for...to make it beautiful to live

Sometimes we can desire something so bad that it becomes the very core of our existence. But we can't have it, the soul is slowly eaten away. It seems that everyone has someone. But i'm just one. I want to share my light with someone; my life. I miss the feeling of the world stopping because there is only you and that special someone. I miss the way that seeing that someone can make all my troubles go away because all that seems to matter is me and him. I miss the way it makes me smile because i am in pure elation. And i miss having someone to hold me and telling me that everything will all be okay. I miss love. But maybe I've never trully had it. But I know I've felt it. I want someone to feel it for me; and I unto them. I miss smiling genuinely. I miss feeling special. I miss feeling loved. - Amor e morte

For beauty is always cruel...

Could it be that things just aren't meant to work out for some people? Can people really be cursed? I've believed for a long time that I am. I feel like I want to cry but I'm so empty inside that I don't even think I have any tears to spare. And as Atreyu says...it's 'not worth the waste of the salt or the fucking water'. - Amor e morte.

where would we be without these anchors?

Sometimes I don't even know how to express how I feel in words. I can often describe it by envisioning an image in my mind. I don't know if that's normal or not, nor do I really care. Right now I can picture an uninhabited, dark, overgrown forest where it is always night. Not even the lowest of rodents desire to live in this place. Somewhere deep within forest there is an old abandoned well from another lifetime. Maybe even another world. The well is too deep to find the bottom and if you fell down you would certainly meet your death. It's consumed by cobwebs and an old mouldy stench that would make you gag. Every now and then a stone unhinges itself and falls to its demise. You don't even hear it hit the bottom. When it rains the well gleefully fills up with water in the hope of drowning its next victim. It's a vicious cycle and is filled only with pure evil. If the forest was to be cleared the well would be a feared landmark associated with horror stories or ghosts and death. And it would smile at the thought of fresh blood and emit the facade of welcoming friendliness. Even if you filled it in, the fill would erode away and the well would be present once more. For some things are always horrifically permanent, even if they disappear at the surface from time to time. Darkness will always consume. - Amor e morte

The sands of time for me are running low...

I think I am destined to die alone. My heart mourns for something I fear it will never have. And it's so broken. It struggles to beat. - Amor e morte