No time to be afraid of fear

A lot has happened over the past few months. I lost myself; I found myself; I overshadowed myself; I rediscovered myself, and I reinvented myself.

It is safe to say that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. I have learnt many things and tested many new paths; some haven't worked out so well, but others are getting me there.

Now I just look forward to what lies ahead and I will never allow myself to go back to that dark, lonely, hopeless, isolated place where I once was.

This is it. This is my life. This is living.

-Amor e Morte

This moment contains all moments.

i hate you and never want to see you again. i'm done wasting my time on someone who doesn't appreciate me and doesn't even respect or try to understand things that are important to me. you are one of the most selfish people i have ever known...so you got a pretty good deal being with someone so selfless huh? yet you don't even see that. you turn a blind eye to everything good and nice to do for you...i make you dinner, i buy you random little thoughtful gifts, i try to comfort you when you are stressed. and what do i get in return? a big fucking smack in the face. crawl back in your little hole and drown in your shallow self centeredness. im nolonger taking the blame and feeling guilty for shit that i shoudlnt apologise for. you don't even deserve a goodbye. and i hope you rot in hell. i dont need you and am just fine without you. and if im such a burden as you say you won't care either. which i know you don't...as you also clearly state so many times. words can't even express the hatred, disgustedness and anger that consumes me right now. though i have tried. - amor e morte.

i'm better off alone.

when you finally trust me, finally believe in me...i will let you down. so that you know how it feels. why do i keep giving in and trying to make it work with someone that clearly doesn't appreciate me or value me...and doesn't understand me. and doesn't want to understand me? why do i make a fool out of myself time and time again with someone that only wants to be with me when it suits them? and why do i accept the blame so many times when it's not my fault, just because he refuses to see or admit to his flaws and issues? why do i keep on believing that he cares aboujtk any of this and wants to work at it for me? because deep down i know he won't. why do i accept less than what i know i deserve....and why do i keep on running back and apologising for things that i know i shouldn't apologise for...? maybe i'm just scared of being alone. even though i know i am probably better off that way. - amor r morte.

She was Divinity's creature that kissed in cold mirrors...

I'm doing really well. I'm looking positive and trying to keep it together and look ahead to the future. Though every now and then I stop and think and wonder what terrible thing must I have done in my life (or a past life?) to wind up in the unstable position i often find myself in.

On that note, though, I have never had as much self-determination and ambition as I have now to change my life. I'm tired of feeling dead inside and am bringing out the sunshine within...it is surfacing. Soon enough it will be enough to brighten up people's day.

I still wonder whether I am being pathetic by hoping that me and him will get back together. Am I holding on to something that will never be? Am i holding onto something that never really was? Or is it a good thing that I am positive and hopeful?

I hate not knowing what is going to happen in the future. I would change the present in an instant if I knew that would give me the future I desire. Alas, I mist be patient and wait. Life is a sick, twisted, bitter waiting game. But sometimes that's not all bad. I guess I will know sooner or later... - Amor r Morte

I never told you what I do for a living...

For some people life comes easy. For others, it is a little bit harder. Though life is what we make it and we must try our best to overcome our struggles and just live. This is something I guess I have only recently learnt.

I heard a quote the other day, apparently Ghandi said it, "Be the change you want to see in the world". That really inspired me. No one else is going to fix my problems for me or change my life for me. If I want to make changes and better myself, then the journey to self-improvement and self-fulfillment rests with me.

People will notice a difference in me and I will be a much better person to be around. My journey may be a long one...but the destination is definitely worth it. - Amor e Morte

My love is unusual; it's painted with roses and thorns

This is one of my favourite lyrics from one of my favourite songs. And it rings true to me. Though I want to be a thornless rose.

I have made a promise to myself that I am just focusing on friends and figuring my shit out - no falling into my old habits. No boys.

So when the times comes when I try to rekindle what we once has (and improve it, more importantly) I can say that I have wholeheartedly and truly put in all my efforts. And that I am am loyal and sincere. That I care. And that I appreciate the person I was once shared myself with.

I don't want to think about him being with someone else, though it is inevitable since we aren't together. I just don't want to know about it. But I'm not going to see anyone else until I put my cards on the table with him. Again. I mean that. I'm tired of mucking around and wasting time. I just want to love and be loved. And be happy. It will happen; that, I am determined of.

Another Me...

Another Me

-Eternal Tears of Sorrow

In the room of smothered thoughts, Lost in the maze of the mind; I'm searching for myself. Among the shades, Reflection of the dark wraith; The master of my dreams, Behind the smoky glass; He calls my name. Misty voice...Beyond my dreams: "Join my realm, please come my friend, alone you are so weak". Charming words...Misleading me: "I'm your birth and I'm your end, I'll never let you fall". Lost in the nightly hell; More real than life itself. Travesty of all that Once was real. I'm crossing the thin line between Dreams and real life; I'm lost in the insane visions That are haunting me. I feel the warmth of the false sun; The light of a misled child It's melting the ice that covers Another me.

When goodnight becomes goodbye...

It's hard sleeping without him. It physically aches. It feels like so long ago...

I never filled the notes to your song.

Anyone that knows me knows that music is my life. It makes me not feel so alone and not so misunderstood. The following is a combination of many of my favourite lyrics (from different songs) that summarise how I am feeling right now. Here goes.... I felt you slip away, far away from me,further from me you seem to drift. Why can't I be what you need; a new improved version of me. I wish that I could see, I wish that I could fly. You don't sit and hold me: you don't really know me. You will never know what I'd do for you. You hold my world inside your hands and leave nothing for me. You drain my heart and made a spade. I don't know why you never told me: I don't know why you never tried, And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have. Konnen herzen rein sein; kann ein herz aus stein. For beauty is always cruel. Amor e Morte.

Take Her to the Music Store...

Nothing is what it seems. I realised that a long time ago. Although I didn't want to believe it. Or maybe things are exactly how they seem but we live in denial and only see what we want to see. Believe what we want to believe. But when is it time to let go of our dreams and realise that we may never attain it? Where do you draw the line? How are we supposed to figure our lives out amongst so much cloudiness and uncertainty? I want to bypass all of this and fastforward to my happy ending. Or rewind and do so many things differently.  But I guess I can learn from my mistakes. Learn and live. Is that all life is supposed to be about? I hope there is more. I hope there is happiness. I hope there is love. - Amor e Morte 

You can't keep walking in and out...

He texted me before. I wish that he didn't. It only gets my hopes up but I know there is no reason to.

Atleast he is thinking about me, I guess..

Can't I fastforward...

I want to know at which point will this stop hurting. Luckily i have the support of a few good friends and family but most of this rests with me. Everytime a memory comes floating into my mind my heart stops and suddenly sinks. I don't understand why he can't see the good times that we had. I am a pessimist by nature but I was trying to look forward and had faith that we could work it out...and that the good times far outweighed the bad. But not for him; how could he not realise that I appreciated him and just wanted for it to work? Or maybe he did realise that and didn't feel the samebut looked for the easy way out. It.s easy to blame someone else for everything...a relationship takes two and I'm not responsible for everything that went wrong. Though it's simple to think that. Nomatter what anyone says there is a price for honesty. I want to know at which point will I stop aching. When will I stop remembering? Will I ever stop blaming myself? Will he ever realise that he did things that hurt me too? Will he realise that I am a genuine and good person and my heart and intentions were mostly always in the right place? I want to know at which point will he forget me. I wish i could think that he missed me but I know he does not. The thought of him replacing me kills me. How long will that take? Will i go down on the list as another bad girlfriend? I tried to make him happy. Maybe the overlying reason for this all is because his heart wasn't in it. I knew that after our first argument. I want to know at which point will I forget all of this. When will I get over it? Perhaps the most hurtful thing is the realisation that he gave up on me. And he didn't trust me. - Amor e Morte.

Darkness

I peer over the edge and see the jagged rocks below; my ending brings me comfort; i have no place left to go. I look out into the darkness, no trace of light is found; it blends in with the emptiness; hides the chains by which I'm bound. I close my eyes and take a leap, you're not here to ease my fall; and as i plummet to my death, i swear i hear you call... The waves crash over my lifeless mangled corpse; your face is the last thing i envision, though i am not filled with remorse. And as i say goodbye to my last shred of life; i imagine your warm touch; i wish i was by your side. (c) EMC 2010

The loneliest place in the world...

Whoever said heartbreak isn't as bad as is sounds lied. Or maybe they've just never experienced it. I wish the feeling were only physical as though i had chest pains. But it's so much more. I can't eat. I have a permanent headache. My chest feels heavy. I feel like the darkest of rainclouds. But I think I am out of tears. But perhaps the worst part is the seemless waste of time I spent for over a yr trying to sort myself out. I did do that...but then something happened..maybe I just got too scared of it not working out that I then forced my fears to happen. All I know is that he is gone and that I'm lonelier than I've ever been. I can't help but hope that he will wait for me...but deep down I guess I know he won't. That's probably what hurts the most. i don't think I am meant to be loved. - Amor e Morte.