She knows he's gone...

But that's okay. It's finally okay. I can finally move on. Because I deserve more. -Amor e morte

And no one would ask me to stay...

I can't believe how incredibly stupid I have been. I don't even know what to say or think anymore. But now I know the truth...I cannot go back. -Amor e morte

What am I to do with all this silence...

It's been a week since I have heard from him. I'm so anxious. I can't stop thinking about how I wonder what he is doing...who he is with...who he is doing... I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to fastforward to a happier place. I don't want to rewind...there is only pain there. And then I have to relive right now because it will be the future. I want him back with me...I want to go and be with him. I don't know if he wants that too. My memories seem like a distant dream...and the reality of the present feels like a nightmare. He is the only one that makes me feel alive. I've never had such an amazing connection with anyone...and I'm sure he feels it too. Or else he wouldn't still be saying the things he said after not seeing me for 5 months....5 months down...6 to go. I don't know how I will survive...it's taking it's toll on me. And the worst part is that there's nothing I can do....and that there is just so much uncertainty... -Amor e morte.

Is this life?

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would be like to be someone else..to wake up in someone elses skin...and mind. Sometimes I get so sick of living with these thoughts...of being myself, of pretending to be someone I'm not...that it just seems too hard. So I continue wearing this mask, but who am I really? Will I ever be the person that I want to be? How can I be that person when I don't even know where I belong? I often sit and watch people. I mean, really watch them...analyse them even. I wonder what it's like to be them. I envy them. I wonder how people can smile and laugh genuinely. It seems to come so easy for them...And I don't know what that feels like. I wonder what it would be like to be someone who takes happiness for granted. I wonder what it would be like to be happy... And I wonder if the only reason some of us were put on this earth is to suffer? I wonder why this is called life, when this isn't really living... I am dead inside. But everyone else thinks I'm alive. -Amor e morte

Haunting loneliness in the eye... Skin covering a secret scar. His hand is waving a goodbye... There's no response or action returned.

Sitting in the dark, There's no light from within. As I stare up at the ceiling; My future seems so dim. I'm torn between two, But which one is right; Do I move forward or back? This is my anguishing plight. As the sands of time run out, I know I'll die alone; My heart no longer beats, And I've nothing left but bones. Where is my soul? I've nothing left in my core. I'll die a lonely death; And cry myself to sleep once more. I can't find myself; Where am I supposed to be? What is this darkness... And why does it live inside of me? -Amor e morte

She isn't real... I can't make her real...

As I look into your eyes; Do you see the pain in mine? I extend my heart and hand, But cannot cross that line. As you see me accross the table; Can you see this fake rusted smile? Can you feel my heart break? Reality loves denial. As I watch you with regret, My heart sinks unto the floor. The tears well up, but hold them back; I'll never have you like before. Please look into my soul, It's pure but oh so dead. It lingers in the past, Regretting those things I said. I'm pathetic with hope, And hate myself all the same. Why do I always lose? Now I forfeit from the game... -amor e morte

But if you want me, got to let me know... Cos it's so hard to let you go...

There's someone out there... He is miles and miles away...it almost seems like we were together a lifetime ago. Although things never technically ended between us...this feels like I have been put on 'hold' in a phonecall that I never wanted to make. And eventually, I know the line will go dead. And maybe I will never be able to reach him again, maybe he will never want to be reached again... But right now, the only thing that is keeping me going is the hope that we shall be together once more. I know we both want that...we talk about it. But he can't commit to this....not when there is so much uncertainty...not when he is on the other side of the world. Having the time of his life...without me. But I love him. I don't think I've ever felt this way before. And because I love him, I am happy for him that he is having a great time. If he met someone else, it would kill me. But I would deal with it...because that's what love is. I don't know if he feels the same...I don't think that he does. But I can hope. And I would wait for him for as long as it took...as long as he wanted me to. At least I know that he cares for me, and that's enough for me right now. The thought of never being together again...well, I can't even bear that. So for now I will just live in my bubble of hope...I will live in my fantasy world where we are a year from now and in a blissful love. Where nothing else matters except us. If only... - Amor e morte

When will this end...?

I should be happy. But how do I make this so when all I feel is dead inside? I can't feel. I try to feel what I know I should be feeling...but it's not the same. I try so hard to stay afloat...and nobody knows. Nobody knows how much strength it takes to get by each day. I don't look to the future anymore...I just look to tomorrow; live day-by-day. It's easier that way. That is the only way I have learnt to survive. I don't know if I will ever come to life again...and that scares the hell out of me. -Amor e morte