So much for memories...

Seeking a new beginning, Tonight the veil unfolds; Watch the darkness fade away, But your warmth shouldn't feel so cold. Tortured by emotions, Raw and eaten to the bone; Corrosive thoughts of emptiness, And now your seed is sewn. Neglected just like history; A manikin to fill your void; Discard me once I'm useless, Cherish that glimpse of joy. Wrap me up in love, But only just enough to taste; Dangle the forbidden fruit before me, Then run away in haste. Lured into the darkness; Hope just feels so good; I pretend to believe the lie, But I'm far too misunderstood. Hold my hand and heart, But only to let go; As diamonds turn into spades, I recoil into my burrow. Look into my eyes, Welling pools of grey; No tears left to dispense; And there's not enough words to say...

Gave away the one and only heart, a gift to tear a part...

I know what I should do. I know what I need to do. But my greatest weakness is wanting to be loved..and trying to make things work when they have long gone their expiry date. It hurts so much I just want to cry all the time. I can't eat or sleep. But I'm so tired. He's too young. It's not going to work. He told me flat out that he thinks we don't want the same thing...It seems as though I want an actual mature adult relationship, and he still wants to act as though he is in highschool. It is clear he has no intentions of growing up anytime soon. So why do I hang around? To try and make him see what he's missing out on...but he doesn't see. He has to lose me to truly see. He said that maybe he's not at the same stage as me in what we both want in a relationship..I said that he either gets me now or never. I'm not waiting around. So now I'm starting to slip away. I'm slowly starting to let go. I can't keep giving what I don't have, only to receive nothing in return. Nothing but heartache. Now I'm going to withdraw. He probably won't even notice. He will probably welcome it because then he gets what he wants and doesn't have to talk to me as much. It's clear that I'm a burden; that I'm at the last priority. Or not even a priority at all. It's a relationship based on pure convenience for him, and on so much effort from me. It's not even a relationship. It's a cruel game of cat and mouse...and I'm the mouse that never gets the cheese. But I get a taste every now and then, just enough to keep me hanging on. He's got me trained well. It's gotten to the point where he knows that he can treat me how he wants and I'll stay. It's gotten to the point where I am purely taken for granted. It's gotten to the point where the real him has surfaced; and it's not the same person I met. It's gotten to the point where once again I feel like a chore; I feel worthless and meaningless. I've been here so many times before. I said I would never allow myself to be here again. But that was obviously a lie. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking. And perhaps the saddest thing is that I've communicated almost all of this to him. And he doesn't care. He just gets defensive and talks about how 'it's not working' and he's 'not good at long distance', etc. I say that it's hard for me too, but if you want it to work out, then you can make it work. He reckons he wants it to work...but I think he's just buying time. So here I am awake at 2am in the morning, feeling lost in limbo. In the same dark abyss that I told myself I'd never allow myself to be in again. My anxiety is so intense you could cut it with a knife. And I've wanted to do just that...I really want to hurt myself; but I promised myself and my mum that I wouldn't do it again. It's not worth it...I can't take the easy way out. I need to be strong. So this is the first day of the rest of my life. The first day of me withdrawing and pretending like I don't care. Of treating him how he treats me. Why should I need to play these games? I hate games. I just deactivated my facebook cos I can't deal with seeing what he's up to on there. I wonder if he will notice. He definitely won't care that's for sure. How can it be that I care so much; while he doesn't care at all? When did I stop being worth it? When he realised that the chase was over. This is always the case. Well I've stopped chasing now...I'm running away. But I don't even think he will be bothered to follow me. Maybe it's for the best. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be, and to feel, loved. But I've come to the realisation (it's been brewing for some years now) that perhaps I'm just not meant to be loved. Maybe some of us are meant to live and die alone. And once this is over, I'm going to live that prophecy. I shall promise myself that I will never allow myself to be here again. It's better to be alone than to feel like this ever again. Because it's not living. I feel dead inside. He started giving me the "you deserve better" line. Here's all I have to say to that: "You break my heart into a thousand pieces, and you say it's cos I deserve better?!"

What am I to do with all this silence...

It doesn't matter what I do I can never get it right. It just hurts so much. But pain is all that I know. I lay here trying to hold back the tears. But it's too hard. Slowly they start streaming down my face. Soon I will have a shower and let it all out in there. I think I might hurt myself too...I can't cope. It's the only thing that will make me feel better. Even if it's only for a short time. It's days like this that I wish I was never born. It's days like that that I believe I was never meant to be loved. And that I will never be loved. I always get a glimpse of bliss. I always meet people wearing masks. Why is it that people who seem to be so kind, caring and considerate at first, turn out to be hurtful, inconsiderate monsters in the end? Why is it that these people never see their own faults; but are too quick to point out mine? And why is it that these people always gloss over the good things about me, only to focus on the negative? I give so much of myself. I give more than I have to give. Time and time again. When will I learn? The thing is, I did learn a long time ago that I shouldn't give anymore...and that I certainly shouldn't give more than I receive. But my longing for love and acceptance always makes me do what I know I shouldn't. I always know I will end up hurt. But the hope that maybe, just maybe, I won't get hurt this time...makes me a fool. That's all I am. A fool. I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. I can't keep being here. I don't want to be here. I want to die. I will die alone anyway, so why not just fast-track it. -amor e morte.

Promises you broke, words you choked on...and I never walked away; it's still a mystery to me...

How do we really know if something is real or fake? Are things always in black and white? Where are we supposed to go when every path seems to lead around in circles...or leads us to nowhere? Or the same very place that we just came from, only it looks different from the surface? How am I supposed to feel when my heart has been ripped out so many times? Is anything I feel real or genuine? Or is it fabricated because I want to feel something so badly? How do I know what the truth is, when all I am used to hearing is lies? Why am I still honest, when being such has never gotten me anywhere? Why do I continue to give so much of myself, even though I have nothing left? I keep giving away pieces of my soul that I can't spare. And why do people not like giving back? What is so rewarding from taking and taking? How is that fulfilling? Who do I turn to when everyone seems to turn their back on me? Why do I stay after I am repeatedly stabbed in the back?...After my heartstrings have been pulled on so many times, in so many conflicting ways? How does it still beat? Is there such a thing as love? Does trust exist? Can people really be genuine? Is finding the truth better than living a lie? Or is living in denial better? Is there such a thing as a happy ending? Will i find mine? Or will it simple just be 'an ending'...a pointless journey with struggle and heartache, and no real reward at the outset? When will I know the answers to all of these questions? Why do I have to think about this all the time? Why can't life just be easy? Why can't I just be loved for who I am and feel wanted and respected and appreciated? Why, oh why, is that too much to want? -amor e morte

Look inside, there never was a start...

It's over. Why can't he at least have the decency and show me some god damned respect and tell me this. It's the least I deserve. Instead, I have to keep prodding and prodding...asking the same direct questions, to only get an answer back that completely avoids answering the question.
The last thing I said (via text) was 'if you don't want me you need to let me know'. No reply. I tried to call him. No answer.
How did this seemingly wonderful, kind and mature guy turn into such a monster overnight?
What did I do to deserve any of this? Nothing. I've been nothing but kind and caring and loving. And giving. Oh, I've been so god damned giving. And received nothing in return... but a mindfuck and broken heart. And lies. God...so many lies. And I bought them all. I'm so stupid. Why did he tell me he loved me when he clearly doesn't? He even told me last night he loved me, but then proceeded to ignore me.
Every single guy I meet says how amazing I am. And then continues to feed me more lies until I'm sucked in. They say they never want to leave me. That they can't believe guys have hurt me so much in the past...and that they are different. They are the same. At least all the ones I meet are anyway. They like hurting me. And they are such cowards when they won't even admit that they have. They don't want to appear like the bad guy...so they will ignore me until I've had enough and put an end to it. So that they are not the bad guy. You are the fucking bad guy. The very worst.
I think there comes a time in everyones life when we have just had enough. We can't hold on to these things any longer. It's that time for me now. I've got to let go. Not just of him, but of my heart and desire for love altogether. I can't let myself ever come to this place again. I would rather live in solitude than feel this way ever again. I'm done.

So long I've been waiting...

I'm so alone. Alone and empty. Dead inside. There is no other way to describe it. Day by day I go through the motions...everyday is the same. Everyday is painful. Everyday I want to die. I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I just simply not wanted. I don't think I will ever be loved. It's not a reflection of me as a person...it's just my fate. The sooner I learn to accept it, the easier it will become. But for now, each day I'm merely surviving. No more, no less. I don't know where I can go from here...every path leads me to nowhere. I can't go forward and I can't go back. There's nothing left but monotony and lifelessness. Let's throw heartache in there too. I don't know why I still try. I think I trully need to give up before I can accept my fate. So why is it so hard to do? -amor e morte

You won't remove me, not anymore...

Sometimes we want something so bad that it consumes us. It's not a healthy consumption though...it eats away at our heart, mind, spirit and soul. It eats and eats until there is not even the smallest shred of a bread crumb left. Yet, we still keep on giving....even if it's only the dregs. We keep on yearning...even though we will never truly have what we desire. But this desire is so strong that it just forces us to give more and more of ourselves...eventually we fade away into nothingness. Not even a ghost would recognise me. So here I stand, invisible. But I'm here. I'm here. -amor e morte