Gave away the one and only heart, a gift to tear a part...

I know what I should do. I know what I need to do. But my greatest weakness is wanting to be loved..and trying to make things work when they have long gone their expiry date. It hurts so much I just want to cry all the time. I can't eat or sleep. But I'm so tired. He's too young. It's not going to work. He told me flat out that he thinks we don't want the same thing...It seems as though I want an actual mature adult relationship, and he still wants to act as though he is in highschool. It is clear he has no intentions of growing up anytime soon. So why do I hang around? To try and make him see what he's missing out on...but he doesn't see. He has to lose me to truly see. He said that maybe he's not at the same stage as me in what we both want in a relationship..I said that he either gets me now or never. I'm not waiting around. So now I'm starting to slip away. I'm slowly starting to let go. I can't keep giving what I don't have, only to receive nothing in return. Nothing but heartache. Now I'm going to withdraw. He probably won't even notice. He will probably welcome it because then he gets what he wants and doesn't have to talk to me as much. It's clear that I'm a burden; that I'm at the last priority. Or not even a priority at all. It's a relationship based on pure convenience for him, and on so much effort from me. It's not even a relationship. It's a cruel game of cat and mouse...and I'm the mouse that never gets the cheese. But I get a taste every now and then, just enough to keep me hanging on. He's got me trained well. It's gotten to the point where he knows that he can treat me how he wants and I'll stay. It's gotten to the point where I am purely taken for granted. It's gotten to the point where the real him has surfaced; and it's not the same person I met. It's gotten to the point where once again I feel like a chore; I feel worthless and meaningless. I've been here so many times before. I said I would never allow myself to be here again. But that was obviously a lie. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking. And perhaps the saddest thing is that I've communicated almost all of this to him. And he doesn't care. He just gets defensive and talks about how 'it's not working' and he's 'not good at long distance', etc. I say that it's hard for me too, but if you want it to work out, then you can make it work. He reckons he wants it to work...but I think he's just buying time. So here I am awake at 2am in the morning, feeling lost in limbo. In the same dark abyss that I told myself I'd never allow myself to be in again. My anxiety is so intense you could cut it with a knife. And I've wanted to do just that...I really want to hurt myself; but I promised myself and my mum that I wouldn't do it again. It's not worth it...I can't take the easy way out. I need to be strong. So this is the first day of the rest of my life. The first day of me withdrawing and pretending like I don't care. Of treating him how he treats me. Why should I need to play these games? I hate games. I just deactivated my facebook cos I can't deal with seeing what he's up to on there. I wonder if he will notice. He definitely won't care that's for sure. How can it be that I care so much; while he doesn't care at all? When did I stop being worth it? When he realised that the chase was over. This is always the case. Well I've stopped chasing now...I'm running away. But I don't even think he will be bothered to follow me. Maybe it's for the best. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be, and to feel, loved. But I've come to the realisation (it's been brewing for some years now) that perhaps I'm just not meant to be loved. Maybe some of us are meant to live and die alone. And once this is over, I'm going to live that prophecy. I shall promise myself that I will never allow myself to be here again. It's better to be alone than to feel like this ever again. Because it's not living. I feel dead inside. He started giving me the "you deserve better" line. Here's all I have to say to that: "You break my heart into a thousand pieces, and you say it's cos I deserve better?!"